It’s not you, it’s me. Seriously.

It’s strange sometimes how things can affect you; it’s taken me the best part of seven months to get my head around but as 2015 draws to a close I’ve spent more than half of it with anxiety of being around people and in crowded places.

I can put my finger on why, I know exactly what’s caused it and my close friends will know. I realised a fair chunk of time back when I was sat in a pub with pretty much my close friends getting ready to hit a inner London Micro Adventure up, and well, it swept up over me and I just couldn’t describe it I just didn’t feel like I could stay, I left on my own making up some wildly strange excuse. As soon as I’d left the pub and I was along it was gone.

This is the first time I’ve mentioned it to anyone other than my Partner, I couldn’t be sure when it would pop up and to what extent, some days I’d be fine others I wouldn’t be able to leave the house, mostly I’d just get to the shop at the quietest time grab some bits and head home behind the security of my door…
The easiest time I’ve had all year is alone on my scoot, the fact that I didn’t really see or chat to anyone wasn’t an accident I’d gone out my way to avoid people or places what so ever… or being in the wilderness with Jana that’s been my saviour for the year I must say.

2016 is going to bring its own self-imposed challenges, I’m still recognising new parts of my behaviour that are of a result of how I’m feeling. Shopping seems to be a sticking point where I’m at the buying the bare minimum and getting out of there ASAP.

I only decided to share this as I’m weekly forcing myself into these situations that make feel anxious in fact as it’s that festive season and as I’m typing its that time RIGHT NOW to go and put myself in that place again.

I’m not watching over my shoulder anymore, and I’m in a safer place now, a place that’s letting me grow in confidence as a person I feel secure again.

So, If I’ve said I’ll come to something this year and been a party pooper my apologies you now know why. I guess it’s not you, it’s me…

One thought on “It’s not you, it’s me. Seriously.

  1. Anxiety, in its many forms, is very difficult. I deal with it a lot and it has taken me YEARS to get to the point of coping that I am at. Having depression and being bullied as a teenager (when we, as growing people, are extremely aware and concerned with who we are and how we appear to others) culminated in me not being able to make many friends. I too refuse invitations to go places. I have trouble talking to people on a personal level and I have been told I’m really “guarded,” at least about many things. I think you are doing a good thing by taking it in small doses, but give yourself some time too and be sure to apprecate yourself (not saying you don’t, but I know it can be easy to feel defeated and negative with anxiety) I don’t know your full situation, but my own experience is that anxiety is something that has to be worked on daily. It’s not something that is curable, but treatable. I hope you feel better in the future. I always think it is terribley unfair that anyone should have to deal with it. I think it has made me stronger in some ways, though; coping with the challenge. 🙂

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